A day of self-reflection...
Had a weird day today. I'm not sure if it's because of hormonal imbalances (pretaining to certain female-related issues) or if it's just that I've been doing more of what I promised myself I would do this year: reflecting. Something happened today that would have normally rendered me horribly upset, panicking and doubting who and what I am as a person, but it didn't. And it's the fact that it didn't that's made me really happy to be me.He didn't call. He was supposed to call, and he didn't. "He," for those of you who don't know, is a guy I met at a party last weekend. We'd both had a little much to drink, and as is usually the case with a dose of alcohol-endused courage, the two of of us went from polite hello's and how-do-you-do's to a lengthy and fairly engrosing conversation. Numbers were exchanged, more conversation had, and a tentitive plan made to get together today.
But he didn't call.
Now, this is not the end of the world. Minds change, instincts kick in, shit happens. But what suprised me most about this whole thing is that I really didn't care! What's more, as the day wore on I began to hope he wouldn't call!
You see, the truth is I don't WANT a boyfriend. It was simply that the opportunity for companionship presented itself and in a naturally instinctive we-were-put-on-this-planet-to-find-a-suitable-mate-and-procreate fashion, I accepted it. I should have known this was how I felt the minute I stepped out the door after that party. He was staying overnight at Rebecca's and I had also made plans to, but after only two hours sleep, I snuck out at the crack of dawn in what I can only describe was an overwhelming need to get the hell out of there. If I had really wanted to spend more time with this person, would I have really spent $27 for a cab-ride at 6 a.m. instead of staying and going out for a nice breakfast with a cute boy and some fellow j-schoolers?
Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with this boy. He's smart, insightful, and cute as hell (great smile!), but it just wasn't right. I couldn't even tell you why.
I don't know, maybe I really am that horribly insecure, terrified-of-commitment-type of girl I've secretly always dreaded I am, but I'm not so sure of it yet. They say that you have to love yourself before you can truely love another, and I think the real problem is that I'm still stuck on that first part. Sure, I have confidence in myself and in my abilities. I know I'm a good person (modest too!:P) and the truth is that I like myself very much, but it doesn't go much further than that. There's still a lot of work yet to be done, and I just don't have enough energy to get to know an entirely new person when I'm still getting to know myself.
So there it is folks, the confessions of a twenty-one year old girl who hasn't quite got it figured out yet. Buy hey, listen: if you have all the answers, keep them to yourself, alright? I want to get this one on my own.
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